Support teens’ social lives online and off
Teens are absorbed by their social lives—it’s one way nature nudges them out of the nest. As teens begin to individuate from their parents, peers become much more important. And these days, meeting friends often means hanging out on social media.
Far from being time-wasters, social media actually fill an important need. By tagging friends, commenting on posts, and uploading photos, teens extend the pleasure of offline relationships. According to danah boyd, social media is especially important, since over-scheduling, limited mobility, greater distances between friends, and fewer public spaces for teens have made hanging out in person more difficult.
Teens generally handle online relationships well, managing both their privacy and reputations effectively. Most know that sexting—the posting of nude or highly suggestive pictures online—is off-limits. And with its many resources and communities, the Internet can help teens develop their identities.
Still, changes in the brain in early adolescence make young teens uniquely sensitive to, and stressed by, their social world. Compared with adults and children, teens are more stressed while performing a task when they think they’re being watched. Among peers, they can make riskier decisions. They are more sensitive to exclusion, showing a greater drop in mood and a spike in anxiety than adults when feeling left out.
Not surprisingly, young teens are also emotionally sensitive, experiencing higher emotional highs and lower lows overall. Combine these traits with the visibility, scalability, and permanent trace of the Internet, and you have a potential perfect storm.
Parents can help guide teens’ online social experiences in a number of ways:
Discuss and model healthy relationship skills. Empathy, perspective-taking, and conversation skills learned offline will show up online.
Remind teens about the “performative” aspect of social media, which can explain why people often appear happier on Facebook than they really are.
Remind them that “friends” from different parts of their lives can all see the same messages on social media, a phenomenon boyd calls context collapse.
Acknowledge that teens are starting to deal with sexual feelings. Stay in conversation with them to help them express this side of themselves in healthy ways.
Encourage a variety of in-person, real-life relationships. How to negotiate with others face-to-face, interact with people of different power levels, and resolve conflict are among the many interpersonal skills necessary in adult life.
Invite your teens’ friends to gather at your house or drive your teen to their friends’ homes, so you can get to know teens’ friends and their parents. Your teens will feel supported and these networks will come in handy.
Talk with your teen about taking a “meta-moment” (see item three below) to prevent blunders. Teens will make unfortunate mistakes, but these days a thoughtless remark can be visible to hundreds of others and leave a permanent record.
Whether late at night, in the car, or while doing the dishes, be available when teens are ready to talk about their social lives.
